Rage Against The Darkness

Lost and alone, surrounded by vast regions of darkness
My mind has not been able to fathom this descent into madness
Too many thoughts, too many reactions and too discussions...
Too many arguments and self-opinionated positions..within myself...

I tried to make sense of this rise and fall
How did I get to this point, did I beckon to some deceiver's call...
The voices argue, contradict and condemn
While I lay immobile, with a crowd in my head

The conversations are pointless, the rhetoric becomes stale
To retrace those intoxicated steps would be a task in vain
I feel so alone yet I'm not alone
I feel so suffocated but I am...alone

Reality becomes intermingled with fantasy and delusion
And ever so often the unreal takes on the persona of a night-demon
I battle and rage and rage against the unknown
Never knowing if I'll wake up from this dream or die in my concoction

The illusions of grandeur are no longer there
The plans for a brighter tomorrow have been completely wiped away
I sit completely still but there's a volcano within
Will I survive this eruption or will I be gone in the end...

I rant and I rave and I curse the dark night
That has now engulfed me and has diminished my sight
The fire within me is burning so bright
Yes there must be combustion before there is light.   

The thoughts in my head...

Sometimes I feel insecure and wonder if I've made the right decisions
Did I choose the right field of study?
Did I choose the right job? ...Or Did I settle for it for security reasons...
So many choices, so many questions, so little answers...

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I left these shores
I knew I would be fairer but that's just the vain part of me looking for something to hold on to
I wonder where I would stand on a personal level, marriage etc...
I quickly cross out these thoughts because I can not see myself being married to another person than my wife

I wonder about the dreams I had when I was small
The magical lands I would have liked to visit, Lapland...
I still wonder about the universe and life on other planets
I remember sitting in the school library reading a particular book on the subject...for hours

I think about the choices I've made and sometimes become depressed
I've lost money, I've lost friends, I've lost opportunities
I wonder why so many people expect so little from me
Perhaps it is because of the choices I've made in the past...

I think about why I'm sitting in front of the computer at 12:30 am, all alone in an empty house...
Thinking about all these things, wondering about my life...
I think about the emptiness in my heart and all the quick fixes I could or perhaps should try
I think about the consequences of even entertaining those thoughts..even for a while...

I think I over-think things and may cause unnecessary pressure on myself
I wonder if I will sleep peacefully tonight and what my dreams will consist of
I'm afraid of certain dreams but never-the-less I have to sleep..
...Do I really have to sleep... ?

Mish Mash

Darkness falls and I open my eyes
The bright white glows of fake happiness dissappears
And are replaced by the wrinkled, unmasked faces
Of the weak and weary pretenders

Everything is clearer now that the veils have been thrown off
The comfort of the darkness of the night brings out their true nature
Fangs bared and knuckles clenched, ready to satisfy their blood thirst
Looking for the lost and wandering soul of the sheep

I stood in the cracks and the crevices, silently observing
Never seen, never interfering, always on the sidelines
Watching and waiting, curiosity abounds
Perhaps they will leave bits and pieces of the sheep behind

I stood over the battered lamb, standing there but not seen
Offering my hand, to help pick up the pieces and a chance to rest for a while
But fake tears block its vision, engrossed in the game, it believes it is the hyena
Clouded judgement have I, the lines are blurred, wrong or right is a matter of opinion

In this game of chess, the pawns become queens and knights
They risk being sacrificed for a little taste of earthly glory
They call the shots and dance around the puppet kings
Who care not that they are being led being filled with the lusty flirtations

I stood there naive and adamant, that order should be restored
I raged a battle against the establishment but still unseen
A speck of dust in the wind, a fly on the wall
I stood there looking in the mirror.....invisible and unseen....   

    

Assurance

I woke up, did the laundry, made breakfast, skyped with my wife, made a vow to stop drinking alcohol, sent some work related emails and reflected on my predicament....

I'm on my way to being self reliant, I've always said I didn't need anybody to do anything for me. That was of course a delusional statement, given the fact that could not do the simple things like washing one's clothes and cooking.

At 31 years, I'm now doing the things I should have learnt as a teenager. I believe I will have to make the most of this time apart and truly become the independent person I've always claimed to be. I intend to take control of the situation and concentrate on the things that matter.

There should be drastic improvements in all aspects of my life and this is not a wish or a promise....this is a guarantee. Of course I will be the one determining/measuring these levels of improvements and not anyone else ;)

 

Lost In The Echo....

I've always been attracted to songs sound in minor keys with melancholic flavours bursting at the seams. That is why I'm so drawn to the last two Linkin Park's albums - A Thousand Suns and Living Things. There are a few stand out songs from Minutes to Midnight and the other albums such as Valentine's Day, My December, Leave Out All The Rest, Shadow Of The Day and The Little Things Give You Away... just to name a few. As is noted of me...I digress once more.

From Living Things alone there are so many good songs its hard to pick out an average song in the album. The videos are simple but telling.

The video for this song and the song itself (while looking at the video) has reached deep into my heart and tore open wounds I thought were healed and covered over.

For one it reminded me of old girlfriends that seemed to drift out of my life with no explanation and just faded away becoming distant memories. Of love lost and missed chances...of perhaps regrets and resentfulness.

On a deeper level it reminded me of my father's demise 7 years ago...he was 48 yrs old at the time. He died of hypertension or what we call stroke. A blood vessel in his head burst, he slipped into a coma and died 12 hrs later...

So many unanswered questions, so many dreams left unfulfilled, so many plans that never got off the ground...so many promises...broken...

I have a 3 yr old daughter who will never get to know her paternal grandfather. Being the talkative and inquisitive child that she is, she usually ask me..."where is your father daddy?" With a strained voice I tell her that my father is dead. In her usual trademark Naiara mode "but why he is dead daddy?" I then have to relive the pain and hurt his passing caused while I explained to her why he is dead.

The same feeling I get when I answer my daughter is the same feeling I get when I watch the video. In a weird way, having those suppressed feeling rise to the surface bursting through the barrier of memories hidden to protect the heart, actually bring a bit of relief to my already jagged heart...

I guess now I  can't tell you to enjoy the song as I may have also made you depressed by telling you about my sad stories.

Confused and Rambling on...

I tried to stay away from this place because it seems I only come here when I need to vent...when I'm depressed or overwhelmed or just not...myself.

So what is "myself"? a cheerful, happy golucky guy who makes jokes and is fun to be around? or a perverted individual who sees sexual innuendos in almost anything whether they be living or inanimate? maybe I'm a "serious" individual who has never heard of the word "smile". Perhaps I'm the silent type...perhaps I'm not...

Truth is I'm a different person when I'm around different people. Not that I'm unsure of who I am or that I need to be and act like I'm part of the "in" crowd but mainly because its a human thing. I, like everyone else, have a mind that is complex and beyond comprehension thus far. There are so many compartments and pathways therein that it truly is a kind of labyrinth. We act based on the "vibes" given off by the people around us, it is like many personae wrapped in one. We are all schizophrenic... But I digress...

So...I'm here again. I'm not sure why I'm here but I'm here. I guess I'm a bit lonely, in need of comfort. Perhaps to drown my sorrows or just to ease my burdens for a while.

I'm lost and I need to be found...

A beautiful thing...

Sometimes when you remove all of the distractions, cut away the ugliness, let go of the hate and disappointment, subdue the anger that is rising, you may...just may...find a beautiful thing.
 

Not Completely Forgotten...

I'm a vain and self-centered person so I usually think about myself more than normal...I guess. I would check my appearance in the mirror quite a few times before I leave the house to make sure I'm at least somewhat comfortable with the way I look. I'm not much to look at but that's another issue...

I would type my name into Google Search Bar to see if there are any links relating to me. Well there's the obvious reference to this blog, my Facebook page and some posts I made on several sites. There was one that shocked me though, a reference to a car I purchased in 2006, the Bill of Laden was posted on a site...nothing is ever truly private these days...

I was feeling a bit nostalgic earlier this week, not sure why, probably I was a bit depressed...for various reasons...I'll probably elaborate later...

Anyways, I decided to do a search on the blogs I had created...then deleted. It was somewhat refreshing to see that I could still find references to them in various blogs and sites. At least I'm not completely forgotten...

Silence

I am silent not because "silence is golden"
Not because it gives consent
I am silent not because I have nothing else to say
Not because I've run out of words
I am silent because I choose to be

I choose silence over a pointless conversation
I choose silence in the face of a potential confrontation
I choose silence because words in anger may come back to haunt me
I choose silence instead of a verbal assassination
I choose silence for a chance to grow

So when you see me silent and sullen, do not worry
Do not offer me pity
When I walk around with my hand in my pocket or with ear plugs in my ear
Do not ask if I'm alright
I am that way because I choose to be

I choose silence because it completes me
It enables me
I choose silence because it opens my creativity
It strengthens me
I choose silence because it protects me

Heart's A Mess 2

I posted a song that I wanted to comment on but I felt I needed to let the lyrics stand by themselves as any addition would be a contamination.

As I'm typing here this song Hearts A Mess is being repeated for the 6th or 7th time on my phone. I saw the video for Heart's A Mess few nights ago as I was looking up the Singer/Songwriter/Musician Gotye (whose known song Somebody That I Used To Know has close to 260 million views) and immediately connected with the song. The words rang true for the most part and speak to us the "good guys", the ones wanting to rescue the "damsel in distress" and often ends up being just a good friend or...last resort.

The words speak for themselves, so no need for explanation. The musical arrangement, the slow and haunting mood that it elucidate with its melancholic minor whistling rift got me hooked. I would prefer to listen to this song than to do anything else. Its like an addictive drug....

This song is probably why Gotye was compared to Peter Gabriel, whose song I Grieve, had a similar effect on me as Heart's A Mess. Both mournful but very different in circumstances.

For those who care, I urge you to look up Gotye and listen to his music, it may ease your troubled mind...even if its for a little while.

Heart's A Mess - Gotye

Pick apart 
The pieces of your heart 
And let me peer inside 
Let me in 
Where only your thoughts have been 
Let me occupy your mind 
As you do mine
 
You have lost 
Too much love 
To fear, doubt and distrust 
(It's not enough) 
You just threw away the key 
To your heart
 
You don't get burned 
('Cause nothing gets through) 
It makes it easier 
(Easier on you) 
But that much more difficult for me 
To make you see...
 
Love ain't fair 
So there you are 
My love
 
Your heart's a mess 
You won't admit to it 
It makes no sense 
But I'm desperate to connect 
And you, you can't live like this
 
Your heart's a mess 
You won't admit to it 
It makes no sense 
But I'm desperate to connect 
And you, you can't live like this
 
Your heart's a mess  
You won't admit to it 
It makes no sense 
But I'm desperate to connect 
And you, you can't live like this  

Love ain't safe 
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste 
So you can wait 
But I don't wanna waste my love

It is somewhere in the back of my mind...

I entered and no one took notice
I screamed and no one heard
I walked and there were no footprints
I live and no one cares
I'll die and there will be no tears

No matter what...

I look into your room every morning when I wake up and you are not there
You usually navigate yourself to ours with your eyes closed
You asked for your mother, most times objecting if I try to hold you
But I understand, I love you no matter what, it must be a bonding thing
Between you and your mother I guess...

Usually when you are awake you would cling on to me
You get angry if I try to put you down so I can prepare to go to work
Your mother seems helpless, she knows its painful for us both
But I have to do what I have to do...

I put you down and put on the television, I tell you to watch...
After I'm finished with my preparations I'm ready to leave, I kiss you goodbye...
Sometimes you ignore me, sometimes you beg me to take you to work
I keep promising to take you...one day....
You say "bye daddy" in your sweet angelic voice and wave me goodbye...

Then I'm gone...you don't see me for more than twelve hours...

I do what I have to do then I return home...

Sometimes you are asleep...
Sometimes you are awake...and angry with me
I can not hold you...but I understand, I love you no matter what

I look into your room every morning, I kiss your feet...
Sometimes I feel you deserve a better father than me...so I kiss your feet
Its my unspoken way of saying I'm sorry for not being there...
For "abandoning" you...
I hope you understand and love me...no matter what... 

Jumper

I've come to the cliff once more
I've been there before, I've looked over
I've jumped and fell, I believed I could fly
I was invincible, I was the master of my destiny
I was everything I've ever wanted to be, I made it
I stretched forth my hands like Superman
Expecting any given moment I would rise like the Phoenix
And soar upwards like the great eagle
I failed to stop my rapid descent into darkness
I fell and fell further and clutched at clouds on the way down
There were no voices of encouragement to will me upwards
There were no cries of concern for a fallen friend
There were no mournful tributes for a partner in crime
There was only one thing....silence
The further I fell, the weaker I became
How quickly hope vanishes when you are alone in the dark
As I touched down with shattered dreams and faded hope
I crawled into my shell soundly trashed by my journey downwards

Beaten and bruised, broken and bounded, I was defenseless
This was not hell but it sure felt like I was at its entrance
Somehow, it is not clear how, but some how I clawed my way up the cliff
I scraped, dug and tore at its deceitful face, I clenched my teeth and push upwards
Slowly I reached the plateau where I first started and have basically come full circle
I'm at the top once more...
Looking over, feeling the need to fly, feeling the need to once more be set free
Feeling trapped and confined by plane I'm on...

Unrequited Love

I ran behind you but you were always two steps ahead
Your heart said to slow down but your mind said its not for the best
I kept on running but then you began to fly
I stood there watching as you soared to such great heights
The realization then sunk in; that it was never my time
I was the chicken who dared to love an eagle
Little did I realize that I was out of my league
You soared onward and upward and never looked back
And from that day onwards my fragile heart grew black
Never did I realize that next to the sun you would fly
And as it happened with Iscarus you would fall from the sky
But unrequited love has toyed with, maimed and devoured my heart
I have nothing left to give you even my soul has turned dark
I stood there motionless as you lay still among the evidence of your fall
Silently observing all who came to give mock condolences at a moment's call
I am not the saviour nor am I the forgiver
I am not the accuser nor the executioner
I am neither the light or the darkness
I am but a torn man driven to madness
I saw you crashed and burned, engulfed by your ambitions, your pride and your confidence
I see you no more as but a pile of ashes quickly swept away by the raging winds
I see you no more...no more

Just thinking...

I thought about many things these past few weeks....

I thought about the political situation in my beloved country, the barefaced and callous people who think it is their right to decide how the state's money is spent. These private individuals who were never elected by the people, these friends of the government who are not even academically or technically qualified to govern such processes. It seems my concern for my country supersedes other areas of my life that I should give priority to.

I thought about my work place, the little United Nations where competition is stiff as ever, where brothers rise up against brothers and sometimes selfish ambitions are placed before the good of the little UN. Where many seem to be your friends but are really acquaintances with Brutus-like daggers ready and waiting to plunge the blade into the back of Julius Caesar.

I thought about my staff, overworked but defiant in their hearts to succeed and make our department the best it could be. From young to the not so young, ideas are flowing, actions are taken. If only we could now be able to document our successes and display them to our detractors.

I thought about my friends, the few that I have. What is a friend? I'm horrified that the benchmark or goal post is constantly shifting. To me a friend is a brother, sister, mother, father, grand father or grand mother to me though we don't share the same bloodline. In this case the water and blood is of the same consistency. I've seen friend treat friend worse than I would treat my enemy. Friendship is overrated.

I thought about my family, the cold war that exist. A war that originated in the very things that made the relationship work in the first place. Our unwillingness to compromise, our different views of life and where we wanted to be and what we wanted to achieve. We never wanted doormats or yes persons. We always appreciated the witty remarks and snappy comebacks. We were competitive. As time passed I guess our outlook changed. Perhaps, I've changed...

I thought about myself, why do I do things I do? Why do I hurt the people I love? Why do I push them away? Why don't I appreciate the things they do? Why does it have to reach the point where they call me selfish and ungrateful? I really don't know...

I thought about my daughter. Based on my wife's account I must be a very bad father...

I thought about God. I thought about the free gift of salvation He has given to me, an undeserving wretched man.

I thought about death...will I even be remembered...

Need/Love

People sing all kinds of songs to make money, to vent their feelings on a variety of issues, to identify with a certain thing or group, to stand out as an individual...and in some crazy way to some how make others happy or comfort them in their time of grief or need...

Need...I need you in my life, you are the air that I breathe, I can't live without you, I'm so lost without you..need, need, need.

Is this the truth? Will I suffocate, will I die, what exactly is "lost"? Need is relative. As the saying goes nothing is irreplaceable.

Time heals wounds and broken hearts. The pain of losing a loved one will be dulled over time. In every end there is a new beginning. Every dark night gives way to light.

Do you really need what you think you need or is it just some sort of characterization to let others know that you love them?

I don't need my wife but I love her. Whatever she does can be done by someone else but I prefer and am happy she is the one doing it for me. Likewise I know she doesn't need me. Love is more important than need. Love and need is not the same thing. Love is giving while need is taking.

I love my daughter......

Tuesday Morning...

A flickering light, a moving blind, a constant whirring of the AC Unit. The beeping of a Black Berry, the scraping of finger nails across the keyboard of a laptop in an irregular pattern. An orange cup.

So much to do but I don't know where to start. Distractions, distractions, distractions...

Oblivion

The dust has settled, history was created, the fruits of our appeal to consciousness are now in its bearing season. The dawn of a new era has lost it's luster, life goes on.

For some, its victory. For others, nothing has changed. Yet the majority will say that things have taken a turn for the worse. Everyone is right in their minds, in their eyes. Everyone speak from their hearts...mostly...

However, for people like me, there is sadness, there is disenchantment, there is a loss of purpose. You see, we put our hands to the wheel, we openly took no side, we questioned the establishment, we asked the hard questions.

We made enemies on all sides...

Now its time for us to be returned to storage room of oblivion, where all the dark, meaningless souls reside. Now it is time for us to disappear, to invisibly walk this land, to burden ourselves with the load of this place, silently observing and gnashing our teeth, biting our lips letting our hearts burn...

We await the time for the door of oblivion to be reopened to let us have free reign once again. To channel the anger, hurt and ideals from the immediate past into words so sharp and powerful that they actually determine the outcomes of battles and wars...

Be not afraid for we wait in the shadows...