I think

Sometimes I think about the things I've done. Then I feel sorry for the people I hurt. I feel guilty and bad about myself. I feel like it might have been better had I not been born. So I feel worthless.

I think about the people that hurt me. How horrible it made me feel. The shattered dreams, the dashed hopes, the broken heart, the damaged psyche and the impending paranoia.

Then I think about the the things the people I've hurt have done in retaliation to even the score. They say hurtful things, accuse me of things I never did. They asked me to place myself in a state of dependency then kick me because they feel I can't get up and I can't do anything.

They claim to do it because of love. That is not love. Love went a long time ago. This is pride. This is ego. This is payback. This is obsession. This is not love.

Something has to give. Someone will lose. People say cooperation is preferred, that cooperation is the best solution. That killed the spirit of compromise. Cooperation asks you to accept the other person's point of view, deep down...deep, deep down...we don't...

Why can't we just say that we don't accept what the other person is saying/doing and make a conscious decision to accept or tolerate it if it has no adverse effect on our well-being? 

I think about all these things...I think about life...I think about death...I think about my children...I think about my mother...I think about my Saviour...and I thank God for His saving grace. I thank Him for looking past my wretched self and clothing me in His righteousness. 

I am of a royal priesthood. I matter. I am not worthless. I've made mistakes but they don't define me. And that's that.  

Hymn For The Missing

This song...

Walk In The Rain

I miss my father...

Table For One

BROKEN TOGETHER

Mark Hall, Bernie Herms
“Marriage is tough. We bring a lot of fairytales to the picture when it comes to marriage. We bring them to the altar with us [thinking]: ‘This is going to be perfect. We don’t have to be apart. We can just wake up together every morning and no one is going to have morning breath. We’re not going to have any problems.’ And then the problems hit and you don’t know where to file those into your picture. . . The idea I’m trying to say is: ‘Can you lay down who you thought I was and love the ‘me’ that is? Can we take this from where we are now and realize that I can’t be that person?’ Only God is going to be able to make this work and broken people can be broken together. To me, it’s probably the most important song on the record.”


Broken Together - Lyrics
What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery

How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night

It's going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together

How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we wont give up the fight

Love

Love is such a complicated and confusing emotion. Some people are so sure of what love is, while many others know they are totally lost, when it comes to the subject. I fall into the latter category.

I do not and cannot fully comprehend love. Based on knowledge captured in my stay here on earth I can only share from my experience and probably compliment that experience with what I've read in various books, magazines, articles etc.

It seems that love can be segregated into types and kinds of love.

There's the Agape love, which speaks of God's unconditional love towards us sinners that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross as punishment for our sins. I can not imagine that love and it would be difficult to love like that. Yet...we are ungrateful bastards who choose to continue living in sin, without recognizing how powerful that love is. Perhaps our sojourn here has dulled our senses and made us unwilling and unable to accept that sort of love.

The bible also speaks of Philia, which speaks of brotherly love. I guess that's seeing someone in grief and feeling their pain, wishing there is something you can to to help that person. It the altruistic part of you, the part that makes you want to see people succeed, see people in a better place than they were before. I guess it's part of the Agape love, a derivative of sort...

I just learnt of Storge, which speaks of love for family. I would say that this is the closest to Agape love than the others, especially the love a parent has for a child and, I would hope, a child has for a parent. It's the kind of love that could be considered sacrificing one's needs for the needs of another. However, its never as clear cut as that. When the opinions of others who feel they are the "experts" love, are in conflict with what you are doing, it can make you feel...inadequate...

Then there is Eros, erotic love, the sensual and sexual attraction one feels for another. However, in my opinion, this love does not "just happened". The "just happened" is just sexual attraction that one feels for any one else based on the arousal of the various senses.So I would assume romantic love is a combination of sorts. You are physically attracted someone and you develop a bond or a connection...that grows into a symbiotic relationship where compromises are made so that the attraction is sustained. That sustained attraction then lead to a situation where Philia love is incorporated into the relationship; you want what is best for each other even if it means that all of your needs would not be met. Love is...after all...giving...


One type of love I do not see being mentioned much is self love. It is loving yourself in-spite of the mess you're in. It is not accepting that you can't do better, but having the will to want better and demand better for yourself. Without loving yourself or understanding how to love yourself, it would be impossible to love others.   

Reflections

We often reflect on our lives and wondered how we've reached this point in our lives. If its a good place, we would reflect on the positives things, the high points of our lives, the good moments. It would be a sort of celebratory reminiscence...
If you're in a stagnant place and you feel like you are not where you want to be then its a more serious reflection, a kind of soul searching experience, you start looking at the pros and cons, you look at both the highs and lows. Ultimately, I think, we should use this experience to move to a better place in our lives.

I seem to wallow in self pity, wondering how I've ended up where I am. Perhaps, if I had made certain decisions I would have progressed down an entirely different path. Perhaps I would have been happy then, perhaps...perhaps not...

The fact that there are no do overs, no magical erasers to wipe out the wrong decisions, no way to forget the past...makes it harder to move on with a clean slate. Perhaps there's nothing to move on to...at least the trajectory has stopped at that point...there's no making amends, no more hope that time will heal all wounds, no more chances, the die was cast when the transgressions were committed...the outcome was inevitable.

Some people were never meant to be forgiven...perhaps I'm one of those people...

 

Starting Over

Starting over is not something pretty or something that many persons look forward to doing...especially if you're in your 30's. By now you would have had a family, maybe a stable job, possibly a home or a comfortable apartment and probably a vehicle...or two.

Why start over? What does starting over mean? I don't know...

The fact that you can no longer continue what you were doing is in fact the reason for your starting over. In the end something had to give...

Being married, being a father...did not deter some of the depraved choices. Hating myself and my circumstances, feeling empty and alone, were not powerful enough motivators to press for a change. Death was the preferred method of escape. Buried secrets, dying a hero.

Its not easy to witness everything falling apart before your eyes. Love or a similar emotion turns to hate, to disdain, to scorn, to shock ...even horror.  The interrogation and degradation takes its toll on you. While you are being lambasted and blasted you're also looking for answers. Why would you do such things? Why would you hurt the ones you love? The trials begin, the errors are magnified and on display for all to see.

You think back to the instances where you thought of a permanent escape from the madness...but then you think of the reasons why you did not choose that route. The things you fear most, unfold before your eyes. They seem hard to comprehend and at times you're overwhelmed.

You look back and realize that the answers were hidden for a purpose...even from you. You live in denial, you're just a shadow of yourself. You have sunken so low that there seems to be no redemption. All your relations are strained because you can not cope with the situation, job is gone and another one is not forth coming.

You feel like a stranger in your skin. You seem like an alien in your own body. You are lost in your own world. You prefer to be anywhere but here, you prefer to be someone else but you...

What is starting over? I don't know. Is it taking a new path...an unknown path? Is it walking the same path but doing things differently? Is it doing things differently on a new path? Starting over...because I can't stay here...

Thoughts.....

Sometimes I wonder if I should be someone else, somewhere else or shouldn't be here at all...

Thoughts can be conflicting, confusing and generally counterproductive..but they had to have a genesis...

At this point in life, I'm not doing bad...by the grace of God. I have a lovely family and I've found my way back to the Almighty. I don't have a great job but I'm grateful for it.

I've been generally ungrateful and boastful for most of my life, I was given many opportunities and have been blessed with many things. I was too blind to appreciate what I had and I kept wanting more of everything.

My thoughts tormented me, pushing me further towards self-destruction and suicide, the more I tried to fulfill the cravings and urges the more empty I became, the more I resented everyone and eventually...myself...

Are we born truly evil, with evil thoughts hiding under the surface hoping for a chance to get out...where did these thoughts originate? They drive me insane, they torment me because I choose to ignore them...  

The battle within...

Sometimes it seems like everyone and everything is against you. Every word spoken is an attack, every action seems to be carried out with an intention to hurt or maim. Its like its me against the universe or is it me against myself......

Feelings of self pity, loneliness, dissatisfaction and a general sense of not belonging (to society etc) can be a dangerous thing. It clouds your judgement and it shows in you, people can sense the hatred for self or of everything around you... I say hatred but it could be fear or uncertainty ... or some other feeling...

This will eventually lead down a desolate and unforgiving road, many people who traveled down that road have not survived, they become suicidal ...or homicidal...

The question is why....

Why do we need to belong to something, someone or some group?

Why do we feel unsatisfied and try to fill that gaping hole in our soul?

Why do we think that fulfilling our fleshly desires will bring us satisfaction when in fact it makes us more empty?

What has been wired into us that makes us crave something greater?

Why do we feel like we were meant to be much more than we are?

Perhaps we are....perhaps....  
 

Genesis

Let loose in the desert, no one taught me how to read the stars.
No one showed me the North Star, or where Orion's Belt was.
There were no paths to follow, so you just follow the crowd.
If the group I was walking behind discussed topics and ideas I liked or itched my ears, I followed for a while.
If the message turned unpalatable I moved on to another crowd, quietly slipping inside.
Nameless and faceless, no one took notice of me, so I continued to follow in silence...