Rage Against The Darkness

Lost and alone, surrounded by vast regions of darkness
My mind has not been able to fathom this descent into madness
Too many thoughts, too many reactions and too discussions...
Too many arguments and self-opinionated positions..within myself...

I tried to make sense of this rise and fall
How did I get to this point, did I beckon to some deceiver's call...
The voices argue, contradict and condemn
While I lay immobile, with a crowd in my head

The conversations are pointless, the rhetoric becomes stale
To retrace those intoxicated steps would be a task in vain
I feel so alone yet I'm not alone
I feel so suffocated but I am...alone

Reality becomes intermingled with fantasy and delusion
And ever so often the unreal takes on the persona of a night-demon
I battle and rage and rage against the unknown
Never knowing if I'll wake up from this dream or die in my concoction

The illusions of grandeur are no longer there
The plans for a brighter tomorrow have been completely wiped away
I sit completely still but there's a volcano within
Will I survive this eruption or will I be gone in the end...

I rant and I rave and I curse the dark night
That has now engulfed me and has diminished my sight
The fire within me is burning so bright
Yes there must be combustion before there is light.   

The thoughts in my head...

Sometimes I feel insecure and wonder if I've made the right decisions
Did I choose the right field of study?
Did I choose the right job? ...Or Did I settle for it for security reasons...
So many choices, so many questions, so little answers...

I often wonder what my life would have been like had I left these shores
I knew I would be fairer but that's just the vain part of me looking for something to hold on to
I wonder where I would stand on a personal level, marriage etc...
I quickly cross out these thoughts because I can not see myself being married to another person than my wife

I wonder about the dreams I had when I was small
The magical lands I would have liked to visit, Lapland...
I still wonder about the universe and life on other planets
I remember sitting in the school library reading a particular book on the subject...for hours

I think about the choices I've made and sometimes become depressed
I've lost money, I've lost friends, I've lost opportunities
I wonder why so many people expect so little from me
Perhaps it is because of the choices I've made in the past...

I think about why I'm sitting in front of the computer at 12:30 am, all alone in an empty house...
Thinking about all these things, wondering about my life...
I think about the emptiness in my heart and all the quick fixes I could or perhaps should try
I think about the consequences of even entertaining those thoughts..even for a while...

I think I over-think things and may cause unnecessary pressure on myself
I wonder if I will sleep peacefully tonight and what my dreams will consist of
I'm afraid of certain dreams but never-the-less I have to sleep..
...Do I really have to sleep... ?

Mish Mash

Darkness falls and I open my eyes
The bright white glows of fake happiness dissappears
And are replaced by the wrinkled, unmasked faces
Of the weak and weary pretenders

Everything is clearer now that the veils have been thrown off
The comfort of the darkness of the night brings out their true nature
Fangs bared and knuckles clenched, ready to satisfy their blood thirst
Looking for the lost and wandering soul of the sheep

I stood in the cracks and the crevices, silently observing
Never seen, never interfering, always on the sidelines
Watching and waiting, curiosity abounds
Perhaps they will leave bits and pieces of the sheep behind

I stood over the battered lamb, standing there but not seen
Offering my hand, to help pick up the pieces and a chance to rest for a while
But fake tears block its vision, engrossed in the game, it believes it is the hyena
Clouded judgement have I, the lines are blurred, wrong or right is a matter of opinion

In this game of chess, the pawns become queens and knights
They risk being sacrificed for a little taste of earthly glory
They call the shots and dance around the puppet kings
Who care not that they are being led being filled with the lusty flirtations

I stood there naive and adamant, that order should be restored
I raged a battle against the establishment but still unseen
A speck of dust in the wind, a fly on the wall
I stood there looking in the mirror.....invisible and unseen....   

    

Assurance

I woke up, did the laundry, made breakfast, skyped with my wife, made a vow to stop drinking alcohol, sent some work related emails and reflected on my predicament....

I'm on my way to being self reliant, I've always said I didn't need anybody to do anything for me. That was of course a delusional statement, given the fact that could not do the simple things like washing one's clothes and cooking.

At 31 years, I'm now doing the things I should have learnt as a teenager. I believe I will have to make the most of this time apart and truly become the independent person I've always claimed to be. I intend to take control of the situation and concentrate on the things that matter.

There should be drastic improvements in all aspects of my life and this is not a wish or a promise....this is a guarantee. Of course I will be the one determining/measuring these levels of improvements and not anyone else ;)

 

Lost In The Echo....

I've always been attracted to songs sound in minor keys with melancholic flavours bursting at the seams. That is why I'm so drawn to the last two Linkin Park's albums - A Thousand Suns and Living Things. There are a few stand out songs from Minutes to Midnight and the other albums such as Valentine's Day, My December, Leave Out All The Rest, Shadow Of The Day and The Little Things Give You Away... just to name a few. As is noted of me...I digress once more.

From Living Things alone there are so many good songs its hard to pick out an average song in the album. The videos are simple but telling.

The video for this song and the song itself (while looking at the video) has reached deep into my heart and tore open wounds I thought were healed and covered over.

For one it reminded me of old girlfriends that seemed to drift out of my life with no explanation and just faded away becoming distant memories. Of love lost and missed chances...of perhaps regrets and resentfulness.

On a deeper level it reminded me of my father's demise 7 years ago...he was 48 yrs old at the time. He died of hypertension or what we call stroke. A blood vessel in his head burst, he slipped into a coma and died 12 hrs later...

So many unanswered questions, so many dreams left unfulfilled, so many plans that never got off the ground...so many promises...broken...

I have a 3 yr old daughter who will never get to know her paternal grandfather. Being the talkative and inquisitive child that she is, she usually ask me..."where is your father daddy?" With a strained voice I tell her that my father is dead. In her usual trademark Naiara mode "but why he is dead daddy?" I then have to relive the pain and hurt his passing caused while I explained to her why he is dead.

The same feeling I get when I answer my daughter is the same feeling I get when I watch the video. In a weird way, having those suppressed feeling rise to the surface bursting through the barrier of memories hidden to protect the heart, actually bring a bit of relief to my already jagged heart...

I guess now I  can't tell you to enjoy the song as I may have also made you depressed by telling you about my sad stories.