No matter what...

I look into your room every morning when I wake up and you are not there
You usually navigate yourself to ours with your eyes closed
You asked for your mother, most times objecting if I try to hold you
But I understand, I love you no matter what, it must be a bonding thing
Between you and your mother I guess...

Usually when you are awake you would cling on to me
You get angry if I try to put you down so I can prepare to go to work
Your mother seems helpless, she knows its painful for us both
But I have to do what I have to do...

I put you down and put on the television, I tell you to watch...
After I'm finished with my preparations I'm ready to leave, I kiss you goodbye...
Sometimes you ignore me, sometimes you beg me to take you to work
I keep promising to take you...one day....
You say "bye daddy" in your sweet angelic voice and wave me goodbye...

Then I'm gone...you don't see me for more than twelve hours...

I do what I have to do then I return home...

Sometimes you are asleep...
Sometimes you are awake...and angry with me
I can not hold you...but I understand, I love you no matter what

I look into your room every morning, I kiss your feet...
Sometimes I feel you deserve a better father than me...so I kiss your feet
Its my unspoken way of saying I'm sorry for not being there...
For "abandoning" you...
I hope you understand and love me...no matter what... 

Jumper

I've come to the cliff once more
I've been there before, I've looked over
I've jumped and fell, I believed I could fly
I was invincible, I was the master of my destiny
I was everything I've ever wanted to be, I made it
I stretched forth my hands like Superman
Expecting any given moment I would rise like the Phoenix
And soar upwards like the great eagle
I failed to stop my rapid descent into darkness
I fell and fell further and clutched at clouds on the way down
There were no voices of encouragement to will me upwards
There were no cries of concern for a fallen friend
There were no mournful tributes for a partner in crime
There was only one thing....silence
The further I fell, the weaker I became
How quickly hope vanishes when you are alone in the dark
As I touched down with shattered dreams and faded hope
I crawled into my shell soundly trashed by my journey downwards

Beaten and bruised, broken and bounded, I was defenseless
This was not hell but it sure felt like I was at its entrance
Somehow, it is not clear how, but some how I clawed my way up the cliff
I scraped, dug and tore at its deceitful face, I clenched my teeth and push upwards
Slowly I reached the plateau where I first started and have basically come full circle
I'm at the top once more...
Looking over, feeling the need to fly, feeling the need to once more be set free
Feeling trapped and confined by plane I'm on...

Unrequited Love

I ran behind you but you were always two steps ahead
Your heart said to slow down but your mind said its not for the best
I kept on running but then you began to fly
I stood there watching as you soared to such great heights
The realization then sunk in; that it was never my time
I was the chicken who dared to love an eagle
Little did I realize that I was out of my league
You soared onward and upward and never looked back
And from that day onwards my fragile heart grew black
Never did I realize that next to the sun you would fly
And as it happened with Iscarus you would fall from the sky
But unrequited love has toyed with, maimed and devoured my heart
I have nothing left to give you even my soul has turned dark
I stood there motionless as you lay still among the evidence of your fall
Silently observing all who came to give mock condolences at a moment's call
I am not the saviour nor am I the forgiver
I am not the accuser nor the executioner
I am neither the light or the darkness
I am but a torn man driven to madness
I saw you crashed and burned, engulfed by your ambitions, your pride and your confidence
I see you no more as but a pile of ashes quickly swept away by the raging winds
I see you no more...no more

Just thinking...

I thought about many things these past few weeks....

I thought about the political situation in my beloved country, the barefaced and callous people who think it is their right to decide how the state's money is spent. These private individuals who were never elected by the people, these friends of the government who are not even academically or technically qualified to govern such processes. It seems my concern for my country supersedes other areas of my life that I should give priority to.

I thought about my work place, the little United Nations where competition is stiff as ever, where brothers rise up against brothers and sometimes selfish ambitions are placed before the good of the little UN. Where many seem to be your friends but are really acquaintances with Brutus-like daggers ready and waiting to plunge the blade into the back of Julius Caesar.

I thought about my staff, overworked but defiant in their hearts to succeed and make our department the best it could be. From young to the not so young, ideas are flowing, actions are taken. If only we could now be able to document our successes and display them to our detractors.

I thought about my friends, the few that I have. What is a friend? I'm horrified that the benchmark or goal post is constantly shifting. To me a friend is a brother, sister, mother, father, grand father or grand mother to me though we don't share the same bloodline. In this case the water and blood is of the same consistency. I've seen friend treat friend worse than I would treat my enemy. Friendship is overrated.

I thought about my family, the cold war that exist. A war that originated in the very things that made the relationship work in the first place. Our unwillingness to compromise, our different views of life and where we wanted to be and what we wanted to achieve. We never wanted doormats or yes persons. We always appreciated the witty remarks and snappy comebacks. We were competitive. As time passed I guess our outlook changed. Perhaps, I've changed...

I thought about myself, why do I do things I do? Why do I hurt the people I love? Why do I push them away? Why don't I appreciate the things they do? Why does it have to reach the point where they call me selfish and ungrateful? I really don't know...

I thought about my daughter. Based on my wife's account I must be a very bad father...

I thought about God. I thought about the free gift of salvation He has given to me, an undeserving wretched man.

I thought about death...will I even be remembered...