Why start over? What does starting over mean? I don't know...
The fact that you can no longer continue what you were doing is in fact the reason for your starting over. In the end something had to give...
Being married, being a father...did not deter some of the depraved choices. Hating myself and my circumstances, feeling empty and alone, were not powerful enough motivators to press for a change. Death was the preferred method of escape. Buried secrets, dying a hero.
Its not easy to witness everything falling apart before your eyes. Love or a similar emotion turns to hate, to disdain, to scorn, to shock ...even horror. The interrogation and degradation takes its toll on you. While you are being lambasted and blasted you're also looking for answers. Why would you do such things? Why would you hurt the ones you love? The trials begin, the errors are magnified and on display for all to see.
You think back to the instances where you thought of a permanent escape from the madness...but then you think of the reasons why you did not choose that route. The things you fear most, unfold before your eyes. They seem hard to comprehend and at times you're overwhelmed.
You look back and realize that the answers were hidden for a purpose...even from you. You live in denial, you're just a shadow of yourself. You have sunken so low that there seems to be no redemption. All your relations are strained because you can not cope with the situation, job is gone and another one is not forth coming.
You feel like a stranger in your skin. You seem like an alien in your own body. You are lost in your own world. You prefer to be anywhere but here, you prefer to be someone else but you...
What is starting over? I don't know. Is it taking a new path...an unknown path? Is it walking the same path but doing things differently? Is it doing things differently on a new path? Starting over...because I can't stay here...
Its not easy to witness everything falling apart before your eyes. Love or a similar emotion turns to hate, to disdain, to scorn, to shock ...even horror. The interrogation and degradation takes its toll on you. While you are being lambasted and blasted you're also looking for answers. Why would you do such things? Why would you hurt the ones you love? The trials begin, the errors are magnified and on display for all to see.
You think back to the instances where you thought of a permanent escape from the madness...but then you think of the reasons why you did not choose that route. The things you fear most, unfold before your eyes. They seem hard to comprehend and at times you're overwhelmed.
You look back and realize that the answers were hidden for a purpose...even from you. You live in denial, you're just a shadow of yourself. You have sunken so low that there seems to be no redemption. All your relations are strained because you can not cope with the situation, job is gone and another one is not forth coming.
You feel like a stranger in your skin. You seem like an alien in your own body. You are lost in your own world. You prefer to be anywhere but here, you prefer to be someone else but you...
What is starting over? I don't know. Is it taking a new path...an unknown path? Is it walking the same path but doing things differently? Is it doing things differently on a new path? Starting over...because I can't stay here...
