Sometimes I wonder if I should be someone else, somewhere else or shouldn't be here at all...
Thoughts can be conflicting, confusing and generally counterproductive..but they had to have a genesis...
At this point in life, I'm not doing bad...by the grace of God. I have a lovely family and I've found my way back to the Almighty. I don't have a great job but I'm grateful for it.
I've been generally ungrateful and boastful for most of my life, I was given many opportunities and have been blessed with many things. I was too blind to appreciate what I had and I kept wanting more of everything.
My thoughts tormented me, pushing me further towards self-destruction and suicide, the more I tried to fulfill the cravings and urges the more empty I became, the more I resented everyone and eventually...myself...
Are we born truly evil, with evil thoughts hiding under the surface hoping for a chance to get out...where did these thoughts originate? They drive me insane, they torment me because I choose to ignore them...
Monday, March 17, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
The battle within...
Sometimes it seems like everyone and everything is against you. Every word spoken is an attack, every action seems to be carried out with an intention to hurt or maim. Its like its me against the universe or is it me against myself......
Feelings of self pity, loneliness, dissatisfaction and a general sense of not belonging (to society etc) can be a dangerous thing. It clouds your judgement and it shows in you, people can sense the hatred for self or of everything around you... I say hatred but it could be fear or uncertainty ... or some other feeling...
This will eventually lead down a desolate and unforgiving road, many people who traveled down that road have not survived, they become suicidal ...or homicidal...
The question is why....
Why do we need to belong to something, someone or some group?
Why do we feel unsatisfied and try to fill that gaping hole in our soul?
Why do we think that fulfilling our fleshly desires will bring us satisfaction when in fact it makes us more empty?
What has been wired into us that makes us crave something greater?
Why do we feel like we were meant to be much more than we are?
Perhaps we are....perhaps....
Feelings of self pity, loneliness, dissatisfaction and a general sense of not belonging (to society etc) can be a dangerous thing. It clouds your judgement and it shows in you, people can sense the hatred for self or of everything around you... I say hatred but it could be fear or uncertainty ... or some other feeling...
This will eventually lead down a desolate and unforgiving road, many people who traveled down that road have not survived, they become suicidal ...or homicidal...
The question is why....
Why do we need to belong to something, someone or some group?
Why do we feel unsatisfied and try to fill that gaping hole in our soul?
Why do we think that fulfilling our fleshly desires will bring us satisfaction when in fact it makes us more empty?
What has been wired into us that makes us crave something greater?
Why do we feel like we were meant to be much more than we are?
Perhaps we are....perhaps....
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