Settled...the word that means you've come to accept you have lost. You have resigned yourself to a fate that is as numb as death. There is no feeling, no pep, no pizazz, there is nothing but a blank stare. Head bowed, few words in agreement with the topic of the day. Settled...
Deep in our hearts we know that we want to fight this, to shout on top of our voices that this isn't who we are, this isn't what we were meant to be. But what were we meant to be? What was the grand design of our being? If it was this then why do our hearts say differently? If it wasn't then why do we have difficulties finding our purposes?
It seems like we are on a never ending quest, we keep searching for something better but something better is elusive. Its more than what we already have.
Some people have learnt to be contented with what they have. They become happy and appreciative and never look forward to something better and they are not disappointed. They have settled, they have accepted that this is all life has in store for them.
If I can do that then I can enjoy my state of settledness...if....only...if..
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Friday, December 5, 2014
I think
Sometimes I think about the things I've done. Then I feel sorry for the people I hurt. I feel guilty and bad about myself. I feel like it might have been better had I not been born. So I feel worthless.
I think about the people that hurt me. How horrible it made me feel. The shattered dreams, the dashed hopes, the broken heart, the damaged psyche and the impending paranoia.
Then I think about the the things the people I've hurt have done in retaliation to even the score. They say hurtful things, accuse me of things I never did. They asked me to place myself in a state of dependency then kick me because they feel I can't get up and I can't do anything.
They claim to do it because of love. That is not love. Love went a long time ago. This is pride. This is ego. This is payback. This is obsession. This is not love.
Something has to give. Someone will lose. People say cooperation is preferred, that cooperation is the best solution. That killed the spirit of compromise. Cooperation asks you to accept the other person's point of view, deep down...deep, deep down...we don't...
Why can't we just say that we don't accept what the other person is saying/doing and make a conscious decision to accept or tolerate it if it has no adverse effect on our well-being?
I think about all these things...I think about life...I think about death...I think about my children...I think about my mother...I think about my Saviour...and I thank God for His saving grace. I thank Him for looking past my wretched self and clothing me in His righteousness.
I am of a royal priesthood. I matter. I am not worthless. I've made mistakes but they don't define me. And that's that.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Thursday, November 20, 2014
BROKEN TOGETHER
Mark Hall, Bernie Herms
“Marriage is tough. We bring a lot of fairytales to the picture when it comes to marriage. We bring them to the altar with us [thinking]: ‘This is going to be perfect. We don’t have to be apart. We can just wake up together every morning and no one is going to have morning breath. We’re not going to have any problems.’ And then the problems hit and you don’t know where to file those into your picture. . . The idea I’m trying to say is: ‘Can you lay down who you thought I was and love the ‘me’ that is? Can we take this from where we are now and realize that I can’t be that person?’ Only God is going to be able to make this work and broken people can be broken together. To me, it’s probably the most important song on the record.”
Broken Together - Lyrics
What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery
How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night
It's going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together
How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we wont give up the fight
“Marriage is tough. We bring a lot of fairytales to the picture when it comes to marriage. We bring them to the altar with us [thinking]: ‘This is going to be perfect. We don’t have to be apart. We can just wake up together every morning and no one is going to have morning breath. We’re not going to have any problems.’ And then the problems hit and you don’t know where to file those into your picture. . . The idea I’m trying to say is: ‘Can you lay down who you thought I was and love the ‘me’ that is? Can we take this from where we are now and realize that I can’t be that person?’ Only God is going to be able to make this work and broken people can be broken together. To me, it’s probably the most important song on the record.”
Broken Together - Lyrics
What do you think about when you look at me
I know we're not the fairytale you dreamed we'd be
You wore the veil, you walked the aisle, you took my hand
And we dove into a mystery
How I wish we could go back to simpler times
Before all our scars and all our secrets were in the light
Now on this hallowed ground, we've drawn the battle lines
Will we make it through the night
It's going to take much more than promises this time
Only God can change our minds
Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together
How it must have been so lonely by my side
We were building kingdoms and chasing dreams and left love behind
I'm praying God will help our broken hearts align
And we wont give up the fight
Monday, November 17, 2014
Love
Love is such a complicated and confusing emotion. Some people are so sure of what love is, while many others know they are totally lost, when it comes to the subject. I fall into the latter category.
I do not and cannot fully comprehend love. Based on knowledge captured in my stay here on earth I can only share from my experience and probably compliment that experience with what I've read in various books, magazines, articles etc.
It seems that love can be segregated into types and kinds of love.
There's the Agape love, which speaks of God's unconditional love towards us sinners that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross as punishment for our sins. I can not imagine that love and it would be difficult to love like that. Yet...we are ungrateful bastards who choose to continue living in sin, without recognizing how powerful that love is. Perhaps our sojourn here has dulled our senses and made us unwilling and unable to accept that sort of love.
The bible also speaks of Philia, which speaks of brotherly love. I guess that's seeing someone in grief and feeling their pain, wishing there is something you can to to help that person. It the altruistic part of you, the part that makes you want to see people succeed, see people in a better place than they were before. I guess it's part of the Agape love, a derivative of sort...
I just learnt of Storge, which speaks of love for family. I would say that this is the closest to Agape love than the others, especially the love a parent has for a child and, I would hope, a child has for a parent. It's the kind of love that could be considered sacrificing one's needs for the needs of another. However, its never as clear cut as that. When the opinions of others who feel they are the "experts" love, are in conflict with what you are doing, it can make you feel...inadequate...
Then there is Eros, erotic love, the sensual and sexual attraction one feels for another. However, in my opinion, this love does not "just happened". The "just happened" is just sexual attraction that one feels for any one else based on the arousal of the various senses.So I would assume romantic love is a combination of sorts. You are physically attracted someone and you develop a bond or a connection...that grows into a symbiotic relationship where compromises are made so that the attraction is sustained. That sustained attraction then lead to a situation where Philia love is incorporated into the relationship; you want what is best for each other even if it means that all of your needs would not be met. Love is...after all...giving...
One type of love I do not see being mentioned much is self love. It is loving yourself in-spite of the mess you're in. It is not accepting that you can't do better, but having the will to want better and demand better for yourself. Without loving yourself or understanding how to love yourself, it would be impossible to love others.
I do not and cannot fully comprehend love. Based on knowledge captured in my stay here on earth I can only share from my experience and probably compliment that experience with what I've read in various books, magazines, articles etc.
It seems that love can be segregated into types and kinds of love.
There's the Agape love, which speaks of God's unconditional love towards us sinners that he sent his Son, Jesus Christ, to die on the cross as punishment for our sins. I can not imagine that love and it would be difficult to love like that. Yet...we are ungrateful bastards who choose to continue living in sin, without recognizing how powerful that love is. Perhaps our sojourn here has dulled our senses and made us unwilling and unable to accept that sort of love.
The bible also speaks of Philia, which speaks of brotherly love. I guess that's seeing someone in grief and feeling their pain, wishing there is something you can to to help that person. It the altruistic part of you, the part that makes you want to see people succeed, see people in a better place than they were before. I guess it's part of the Agape love, a derivative of sort...
I just learnt of Storge, which speaks of love for family. I would say that this is the closest to Agape love than the others, especially the love a parent has for a child and, I would hope, a child has for a parent. It's the kind of love that could be considered sacrificing one's needs for the needs of another. However, its never as clear cut as that. When the opinions of others who feel they are the "experts" love, are in conflict with what you are doing, it can make you feel...inadequate...
Then there is Eros, erotic love, the sensual and sexual attraction one feels for another. However, in my opinion, this love does not "just happened". The "just happened" is just sexual attraction that one feels for any one else based on the arousal of the various senses.So I would assume romantic love is a combination of sorts. You are physically attracted someone and you develop a bond or a connection...that grows into a symbiotic relationship where compromises are made so that the attraction is sustained. That sustained attraction then lead to a situation where Philia love is incorporated into the relationship; you want what is best for each other even if it means that all of your needs would not be met. Love is...after all...giving...
One type of love I do not see being mentioned much is self love. It is loving yourself in-spite of the mess you're in. It is not accepting that you can't do better, but having the will to want better and demand better for yourself. Without loving yourself or understanding how to love yourself, it would be impossible to love others.
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