Reflections

We often reflect on our lives and wondered how we've reached this point in our lives. If its a good place, we would reflect on the positives things, the high points of our lives, the good moments. It would be a sort of celebratory reminiscence...
If you're in a stagnant place and you feel like you are not where you want to be then its a more serious reflection, a kind of soul searching experience, you start looking at the pros and cons, you look at both the highs and lows. Ultimately, I think, we should use this experience to move to a better place in our lives.

I seem to wallow in self pity, wondering how I've ended up where I am. Perhaps, if I had made certain decisions I would have progressed down an entirely different path. Perhaps I would have been happy then, perhaps...perhaps not...

The fact that there are no do overs, no magical erasers to wipe out the wrong decisions, no way to forget the past...makes it harder to move on with a clean slate. Perhaps there's nothing to move on to...at least the trajectory has stopped at that point...there's no making amends, no more hope that time will heal all wounds, no more chances, the die was cast when the transgressions were committed...the outcome was inevitable.

Some people were never meant to be forgiven...perhaps I'm one of those people...

 

Starting Over

Starting over is not something pretty or something that many persons look forward to doing...especially if you're in your 30's. By now you would have had a family, maybe a stable job, possibly a home or a comfortable apartment and probably a vehicle...or two.

Why start over? What does starting over mean? I don't know...

The fact that you can no longer continue what you were doing is in fact the reason for your starting over. In the end something had to give...

Being married, being a father...did not deter some of the depraved choices. Hating myself and my circumstances, feeling empty and alone, were not powerful enough motivators to press for a change. Death was the preferred method of escape. Buried secrets, dying a hero.

Its not easy to witness everything falling apart before your eyes. Love or a similar emotion turns to hate, to disdain, to scorn, to shock ...even horror.  The interrogation and degradation takes its toll on you. While you are being lambasted and blasted you're also looking for answers. Why would you do such things? Why would you hurt the ones you love? The trials begin, the errors are magnified and on display for all to see.

You think back to the instances where you thought of a permanent escape from the madness...but then you think of the reasons why you did not choose that route. The things you fear most, unfold before your eyes. They seem hard to comprehend and at times you're overwhelmed.

You look back and realize that the answers were hidden for a purpose...even from you. You live in denial, you're just a shadow of yourself. You have sunken so low that there seems to be no redemption. All your relations are strained because you can not cope with the situation, job is gone and another one is not forth coming.

You feel like a stranger in your skin. You seem like an alien in your own body. You are lost in your own world. You prefer to be anywhere but here, you prefer to be someone else but you...

What is starting over? I don't know. Is it taking a new path...an unknown path? Is it walking the same path but doing things differently? Is it doing things differently on a new path? Starting over...because I can't stay here...

Thoughts.....

Sometimes I wonder if I should be someone else, somewhere else or shouldn't be here at all...

Thoughts can be conflicting, confusing and generally counterproductive..but they had to have a genesis...

At this point in life, I'm not doing bad...by the grace of God. I have a lovely family and I've found my way back to the Almighty. I don't have a great job but I'm grateful for it.

I've been generally ungrateful and boastful for most of my life, I was given many opportunities and have been blessed with many things. I was too blind to appreciate what I had and I kept wanting more of everything.

My thoughts tormented me, pushing me further towards self-destruction and suicide, the more I tried to fulfill the cravings and urges the more empty I became, the more I resented everyone and eventually...myself...

Are we born truly evil, with evil thoughts hiding under the surface hoping for a chance to get out...where did these thoughts originate? They drive me insane, they torment me because I choose to ignore them...  

The battle within...

Sometimes it seems like everyone and everything is against you. Every word spoken is an attack, every action seems to be carried out with an intention to hurt or maim. Its like its me against the universe or is it me against myself......

Feelings of self pity, loneliness, dissatisfaction and a general sense of not belonging (to society etc) can be a dangerous thing. It clouds your judgement and it shows in you, people can sense the hatred for self or of everything around you... I say hatred but it could be fear or uncertainty ... or some other feeling...

This will eventually lead down a desolate and unforgiving road, many people who traveled down that road have not survived, they become suicidal ...or homicidal...

The question is why....

Why do we need to belong to something, someone or some group?

Why do we feel unsatisfied and try to fill that gaping hole in our soul?

Why do we think that fulfilling our fleshly desires will bring us satisfaction when in fact it makes us more empty?

What has been wired into us that makes us crave something greater?

Why do we feel like we were meant to be much more than we are?

Perhaps we are....perhaps....  
 

Genesis

Let loose in the desert, no one taught me how to read the stars.
No one showed me the North Star, or where Orion's Belt was.
There were no paths to follow, so you just follow the crowd.
If the group I was walking behind discussed topics and ideas I liked or itched my ears, I followed for a while.
If the message turned unpalatable I moved on to another crowd, quietly slipping inside.
Nameless and faceless, no one took notice of me, so I continued to follow in silence...

The Wanderer

The sound of rain thunders in a different land; a far off land. There is no rain where I am. The sun beats down mercilessly on my exposed head. Sweat streams down my forehead and into my eyes. Tears come. Sweat and tears co-mingle and fall to the ground.

I hear the sound of the rain falling. My dry, cracked lips yearning for a drop. The salty tears and sweat just make my thirst unbearable. I sit on the baked earth, head bowed and eyes closed. The burning sensation comes instantly.

I have wandered from the fertile, lush, green land that was my home to this dry, barren unforgiving land. Will I find my way home? Or will I perish here? Will He stretch forth His hand and lift me up or will He allow me to suffer a little longer?

The truth is His hand is already stretched out and He is calling for me to take it. Some thing is obscuring my vision and there are disconcerting sounds drowning out His voice. I hear the sound of the rain falling...falling...falling...  

Reset

In life, there are no reset buttons. There are only regrets and wishing things could be done differently. People say that they have no regrets, all they have are experiences and they move on...

They say that these experiences shaped them, made them into the persons they are now, they've learned from them and are now better persons.

Is that really the truth? I think not.

I think our experiences alienate us, we lock ourselves in and put up an invisible shield around us to prevent further hurt. To protect our fragile and scarred hearts. We push others away as a self-defence mechanism.

We lose the opportunity to connect with others and we lose the opportunity to fulfill our destiny...