Unrequited Love

I ran behind you but you were always two steps ahead
Your heart said to slow down but your mind said its not for the best
I kept on running but then you began to fly
I stood there watching as you soared to such great heights
The realization then sunk in; that it was never my time
I was the chicken who dared to love an eagle
Little did I realize that I was out of my league
You soared onward and upward and never looked back
And from that day onwards my fragile heart grew black
Never did I realize that next to the sun you would fly
And as it happened with Iscarus you would fall from the sky
But unrequited love has toyed with, maimed and devoured my heart
I have nothing left to give you even my soul has turned dark
I stood there motionless as you lay still among the evidence of your fall
Silently observing all who came to give mock condolences at a moment's call
I am not the saviour nor am I the forgiver
I am not the accuser nor the executioner
I am neither the light or the darkness
I am but a torn man driven to madness
I saw you crashed and burned, engulfed by your ambitions, your pride and your confidence
I see you no more as but a pile of ashes quickly swept away by the raging winds
I see you no more...no more

Just thinking...

I thought about many things these past few weeks....

I thought about the political situation in my beloved country, the barefaced and callous people who think it is their right to decide how the state's money is spent. These private individuals who were never elected by the people, these friends of the government who are not even academically or technically qualified to govern such processes. It seems my concern for my country supersedes other areas of my life that I should give priority to.

I thought about my work place, the little United Nations where competition is stiff as ever, where brothers rise up against brothers and sometimes selfish ambitions are placed before the good of the little UN. Where many seem to be your friends but are really acquaintances with Brutus-like daggers ready and waiting to plunge the blade into the back of Julius Caesar.

I thought about my staff, overworked but defiant in their hearts to succeed and make our department the best it could be. From young to the not so young, ideas are flowing, actions are taken. If only we could now be able to document our successes and display them to our detractors.

I thought about my friends, the few that I have. What is a friend? I'm horrified that the benchmark or goal post is constantly shifting. To me a friend is a brother, sister, mother, father, grand father or grand mother to me though we don't share the same bloodline. In this case the water and blood is of the same consistency. I've seen friend treat friend worse than I would treat my enemy. Friendship is overrated.

I thought about my family, the cold war that exist. A war that originated in the very things that made the relationship work in the first place. Our unwillingness to compromise, our different views of life and where we wanted to be and what we wanted to achieve. We never wanted doormats or yes persons. We always appreciated the witty remarks and snappy comebacks. We were competitive. As time passed I guess our outlook changed. Perhaps, I've changed...

I thought about myself, why do I do things I do? Why do I hurt the people I love? Why do I push them away? Why don't I appreciate the things they do? Why does it have to reach the point where they call me selfish and ungrateful? I really don't know...

I thought about my daughter. Based on my wife's account I must be a very bad father...

I thought about God. I thought about the free gift of salvation He has given to me, an undeserving wretched man.

I thought about death...will I even be remembered...

Need/Love

People sing all kinds of songs to make money, to vent their feelings on a variety of issues, to identify with a certain thing or group, to stand out as an individual...and in some crazy way to some how make others happy or comfort them in their time of grief or need...

Need...I need you in my life, you are the air that I breathe, I can't live without you, I'm so lost without you..need, need, need.

Is this the truth? Will I suffocate, will I die, what exactly is "lost"? Need is relative. As the saying goes nothing is irreplaceable.

Time heals wounds and broken hearts. The pain of losing a loved one will be dulled over time. In every end there is a new beginning. Every dark night gives way to light.

Do you really need what you think you need or is it just some sort of characterization to let others know that you love them?

I don't need my wife but I love her. Whatever she does can be done by someone else but I prefer and am happy she is the one doing it for me. Likewise I know she doesn't need me. Love is more important than need. Love and need is not the same thing. Love is giving while need is taking.

I love my daughter......

Tuesday Morning...

A flickering light, a moving blind, a constant whirring of the AC Unit. The beeping of a Black Berry, the scraping of finger nails across the keyboard of a laptop in an irregular pattern. An orange cup.

So much to do but I don't know where to start. Distractions, distractions, distractions...

Oblivion

The dust has settled, history was created, the fruits of our appeal to consciousness are now in its bearing season. The dawn of a new era has lost it's luster, life goes on.

For some, its victory. For others, nothing has changed. Yet the majority will say that things have taken a turn for the worse. Everyone is right in their minds, in their eyes. Everyone speak from their hearts...mostly...

However, for people like me, there is sadness, there is disenchantment, there is a loss of purpose. You see, we put our hands to the wheel, we openly took no side, we questioned the establishment, we asked the hard questions.

We made enemies on all sides...

Now its time for us to be returned to storage room of oblivion, where all the dark, meaningless souls reside. Now it is time for us to disappear, to invisibly walk this land, to burden ourselves with the load of this place, silently observing and gnashing our teeth, biting our lips letting our hearts burn...

We await the time for the door of oblivion to be reopened to let us have free reign once again. To channel the anger, hurt and ideals from the immediate past into words so sharp and powerful that they actually determine the outcomes of battles and wars...

Be not afraid for we wait in the shadows...

..................

You know this thing is creeping me out a bit.

Who in Russia want to look at a blog from a little known country halfway around the world?

I'm just a bit curious.

Is it possible for you guys to leave a comment so I know who makes up a large part of my audience?

Well this is something that came back to bite me in the ass...

Originally posted in March this year - I did not follow my own advice, I allowed myself to be drawn in.

Velvet Revolution????

It seems everyone in Guyana is in overdrive as general elections kick into high gear. The PPP, PNC, AFC, other groups and individuals are stating their cases in the various sections of the media. They can be seen in newspapers; in the editorials, the letters from supposedly real persons, articles and even comic strips, on television and on the internet also. I guess the radio station is quiet because that is government controlled.

Many blogs dig deep for information on their enemies, cars bought in 1990 are being questioned now, homes are being photographed and displayed in the media. These types of antics will increase as elections day approaches; politics is indeed a dirty game. In most cases the one that is least covered in dirt emerges as the victor; this is also subjective as the actions of politicians are interpreted differently by the various heterogeneous groups that coexist in Guyana.

........................................................................................................

At this point in my life I could care less with the state of affairs in Guyana, however, I will vote that day but it doesn't matter. Either ways the PPP will win the next elections regardless of whether they play fair .....or not.

So I will continue in my introspection, turn my nose up at the velvet revolution, forget about the Guylines that I never experienced and forget about who stole billions of dollars from the treasury.

I will work hard so that I can provide food for my family, thank God for the many mercies granted to me and live to see another day.

It is not my fight to fight, it is not my road to walk, it is not my line to "toe", it is not my burden to bear. To those of you who intend to be drawn in to this false concept that we need a velvet revolution, good luck and I bid you farewell.