Without a purpose, without a plan, swept away in whichever direction the wind blows...no footprints in the sand, no memorable actions, just a simple, faceless man.
Will you remember me when I'm gone
Will you you remember the morning kisses and the awkward goodbyes
Will you remember the way I brush the hair from your face
And the often forced embrace...
Of course you won't because you despised those things
Not really those things but the person it seems
My touch is revolting it makes you nauseated
You said it made you feel violated
But what can I do and where could I go
When I touch you I feel safe and secure
When I touch you I get the strength to go on
When I touch you all my problems are gone
So I have to die to move on
An undeserving soul with no way to carry on
Baptized by fire a cleansing of the soul
Perhaps one day a Phoenix will rise and accomplish the unfinished goals
When darkness falls and all is gone
When the busy day has turned to calm
When the mental Novocaine no longer numbs
When the night-time terrors flood the background
When the dread of night creeps up so close
I can hear its heavy-breathing nose
Upon the nape of my vulnerable neck
Too scared to turn around and check
When everyone has said their goodnight
And not a soul is left in sight
When the real voices have simmered down
And the creeping shadows hit their gongs
When I can hear my heart beating in my chest
And the dread of silence stifles my breath
When my open mouth is mute
And my mind is searching for the truth
Left all alone with thoughts that confuse
Afraid of the man I came to exude
Tormented by choices that do not make sense
Destroying a future that was heaven sent
When everything is done and I close my eyes
As I lay on my bed with no one by my side
I think back to a simpler time
Before distrust and discontent eroded my mind
She grew up in a home of farmers
I grew up in home of vendors
She expected me to work with my hands
Because that's what real men do
I tried...but my best wasn't good enough
I was a failure, I was not a "real" man
She was seething, she had to so something
She farmed to make up for my shortcomings
And I....stopped...everything...
It's hard to go through everyday now knowing that it's over. I'm on an emotional roller coaster. Some days I see the logic behind your reasoning. I understand why it can't work out. Why I'm evil to the core and I'll never change. Why the monster lies dormant ready to be reborn and recreate havoc. I understand that you can't have Dr. Jekyll without Mr. Hyde. I understand that it's difficult to bury the past and that the little things I do remind you of what I was, reinforcing the notion that I can't change that I'll eventually return to whence I came from.
There are other days I get angry, I rant and I rave, I scream and I sulk, I pace up and down, I constrict and I contract. These are the days I can't understand anything. These are the days I reminisce of the good times. These are the days I remember how I have loved you. These are the days I remember the olden days, the love letters, the songs, the poems and the foundation that our love was built upon.
Sadly, those days are over, the foundation developed cracks that never mended and slowly eroded. Then everything came crashing down. Trying to pick up the pieces and trying to rebuild for these past years proved futile. Now that its over I've lost purpose and direction. So I'll be here broken and confused...
I thought I saw the devil, this morning Looking in the mirror, drop of rum on my tongue With the warning to help me see myself clearer I never meant to start a fire, I never meant to make you bleed, I'll be a better man today
I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good For all of the times that I never could.
My past has tasted bitter for years now, So I wield an iron fist Grace is just weakness Or so I've been told. I've been cold, I've been merciless But the blood on my hands scares me to death Maybe I'm waking up today
I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should I'll be good, I'll be good I'll be good, I'll be good For all of the light that I shut out For all of the innocent things that I've doubt For all of the bruises that I've caused and the tears For all of the things that I've done all these years Yeah, for all of the sparks that I've stomped out For all of the perfect things that I doubt
I'll be good, I'll be good And I'll love the world, like I should Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good For all of the times I never could.
Ooh oh oh Ooh oh oh For all of the times I never could
The day will come when the walls will come crashing down. The fortress of my mind will be broken down, offering no protection...or containment. I fear that it will not be an attack from without but rather from within.
A day will come when I will walk the world oblivious to those around me, I may be aware of their presence but I wouldn't care. All my attention would be focused on the path I would be walking on... not really sure of where the end lies. All I know is that I can't stay here.
A day will come when the world will shut me out because I've shut it out. It would give up on me because I've given up on it. Its people would continue with their lives, as I sit somewhere slowly being concretized on the inside. Not an extra layer of protection but the removal of all things human.
A day will come when you would wish death on me, wish me into non-existence, wish I was never born. I would be looked upon with scorn and disgust, with revilement and hatred. Then eventually I would fade into the darkness...
