Floating on Cloud 9

It is not often that I get to soar with the eagles, get off the ground and truly clear my mind. It is refreshing to have a different perspective to the situations that affect or impact on your life, your dreams.... your being. Being in a noisy aircraft, with the constant whirring monotonous sound that created my throbbing headache half an hour before, seemed to fade into the background as I concentrated on the white landscape before me. My thoughts crossed my mind, pleasant thoughts, warm thoughts, thoughts of fantasy lands, fairy tales and hope filled my mind for those few minutes we floated through these clouds. All the while, the song Kiss From A Rose by Seal seemed to be emanating from the whirring of the plane engines........but did you know, that when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen........

Velvet Revolution????

It seems everyone in Guyana is in overdrive as general elections kick into high gear. The PPP, PNC, AFC, other groups and individuals are stating their cases in the various sections of the media. They can be seen in newspapers; in the editorials, the letters from supposedly real persons, articles and even comic strips, on television and on the internet also. I guess the radio station is quiet because that is government controlled.

Many blogs dig deep for information on their enemies, cars bought in 1990 are being questioned now, homes are being photographed and displayed in the media. These types of antics will increase as elections day approaches; politics is indeed a dirty game. In most cases the one that is least covered in dirt emerges as the victor; this is also subjective as the actions of politicians are interpreted differently by the various heterogeneous groups that coexist in Guyana.

........................................................................................................

At this point in my life I could care less with the state of affairs in Guyana, however, I will vote that day but it doesn't matter. Either ways the PPP will win the next elections regardless of whether they play fair .....or not.

So I will continue in my introspection, turn my nose up at the velvet revolution, forget about the Guylines that I never experienced and forget about who stole billions of dollars from the treasury.

I will work hard so that I can provide food for my family, thank God for the many mercies granted to me and live to see another day.

It is not my fight to fight, it is not my road to walk, it is not my line to "toe", it is not my burden to bear. To those of you who intend to be drawn in to this false concept that we need a velvet revolution, good luck and I bid you farewell.

Linkin Park - Burning In The Skies (International Video)

One of the new songs on Linkin Park's A Thousand Suns.

This song grew on me, its haunting chorus is infectious. I'm partial to minor melancholic melodies so this one takes me to another place.

My daughter was ill for a few days and the haunting chorus made me pray to God to heal her.

"So don't apologise, I'm losing what I don't deserve"

I know I'm not the best father...or husband or anything...but I wouldn't want to lose my baby girl even if I don't deserve her. Thats why I prayed.....because God, through His grace and mercy gave her to me. I can not demand, I can only beg and plead with Him.....

Linkin Park - "Leave Out All The Rest"

I feel very connected to this song. The words, the beat, the instruments and the minor undertones take me to another place. It makes me realise that there are cracks in my shell and the people I love and am supposed to protect are not confident in my ability to deliver when I'm called to do so.

As depressing as it is, knowing how far one has fallen can motivate that person to redeem himself......

Thinking........

I haven't visited this place for a long time, it seems everything in my life took precedence over my "me time". That would perhaps account for the seemingly chaotic occurrences over the past few months and my insecure feeling that I was just the passenger in the automobile hurtling down the pathway supposedly taking me towards my destiny.

....perhaps I am just a passenger. I believe that I'm shown different paths and they all have varying consequences and rewards but ultimately I would have to choose the path to traverse.....perhaps..... perhaps not......

I have not taken time to reflect on all of the recent choices I've made and how these choices affect the various individuals in my life. I thought much about the people I've hurt in the past and those who hurt me also. I've asked for forgiveness and have forgiven those who have wronged me. I didn't need them to ask. It seems I'm looking for peace or I'm tying up loose ends.....

But...I've ignored the present and the choices I've made to "correct" the past mistakes by lead to new and "greater" mistakes in the future.

So I'm here now to think. To escape into that outer worldly realm of my mind to play out the various scenarios....to peer a bit further down those paths shown to me to see or predict some of the things to expect should I choose a particular path......

Of things past

There was a time, a short while ago, when I would care about how many persons viewed my blogs. I took a keen interest in hit counts. For my first blog, I would make comments on other well known blogs just to get my blog's name in the lime light (no pun intended). I would place my blog's link on many sites just to generate interest in the contents of the blog.

Many people were interested in what I had to write and the photos I posted. I was quoted a few times by those in the know and apparently I was creative, insightful and talented. Apparently is the operative word.

At some point, I began to feel disconnected from my writings and I struggled to keep on going. I created other blogs to fill the gap, explore other parts of me, to recapture the real me or to operationalise the initial idea I had in mind when I first started to blog.

Little by little, I found no joy in logging in to my blogs, my various personalities have merged into a little monster who no longer cared to separate or compartmentalise the various segments of my mind. I was exposed, naked to the elements but encased in a shell. I felt the pains of rejection, betrayal, abandonment, failure and indifference all in one.

At the end of that period, I decided to escape from it all. The blogs are deleted, this one was created after their demise.

I do not care to pander for attention, I may slip an occasional tweet on twitter about a new post but I will not actively market this blog. As it doesn't matter to me if it is read or not.

100 views meant I've visited this blog 100 times.

I come, sometimes not to post but to look at my greatest treasure, the treasure held in my unworthy hands.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to the things of the past, to revisit the extraordinary places I've seen, to do things differently, to recapture my youth. But if I do that I will not be able to experience the blessings of the present, the gifts of God and the passion to express myself.

The negativity that flows out of me may make one wonder if I'm depressed or morbid. On the contrary, confession is good for the soul.

My Shell

I haven't written anything for a while. It seems like my creative juice has dried up. All that remains is the shell of a once vibrant mind. A mind that could have done anything, climb the highest mountain, walk in the most fearsome jungle, travel to outer space... Alas reality has collared me, boxed me behind the ears and set me straight.

I'm no genius, no potential was unexplored. I only said that to convince myself that I could have done better. In reality, I probably did the best I could. You tell yourself a lie over and over again, it probably would become your truth. Its hard to separate fiction from reality in such a state. Its hard to determine if you really love someone or are by their side because of some sense of duty or obligation.

How do I account for the time I've wasted dreaming big dreams, telling no promising to fulfil aspirations that are beyond my reach? Why did I think I could have reached those heights? Who fooled me? Who made me believe in myself? Critics? Friends? Enemies? Family?

A dose of the plain truth would have put me in my place earlier in life. Instead the praises, yes those false praises, the little lies, the bending of the truth, probably not to hurt my feelings have done me more harm than good.

I have a family that deserves better, not the lies I feed them to cover up for my inadequacy to provide all that they need. The cycle continues, I lie to give them a false sense of security. A hope for a brighter tomorrow, a line behind the dark clouds, they are nonexistent.

I go into my shell to keep others out, to shield my vulnerability, to mourn for my imaginary potential, to die a coward's death.