Not Completely Forgotten...

I'm a vain and self-centered person so I usually think about myself more than normal...I guess. I would check my appearance in the mirror quite a few times before I leave the house to make sure I'm at least somewhat comfortable with the way I look. I'm not much to look at but that's another issue...

I would type my name into Google Search Bar to see if there are any links relating to me. Well there's the obvious reference to this blog, my Facebook page and some posts I made on several sites. There was one that shocked me though, a reference to a car I purchased in 2006, the Bill of Laden was posted on a site...nothing is ever truly private these days...

I was feeling a bit nostalgic earlier this week, not sure why, probably I was a bit depressed...for various reasons...I'll probably elaborate later...

Anyways, I decided to do a search on the blogs I had created...then deleted. It was somewhat refreshing to see that I could still find references to them in various blogs and sites. At least I'm not completely forgotten...

Silence

I am silent not because "silence is golden"
Not because it gives consent
I am silent not because I have nothing else to say
Not because I've run out of words
I am silent because I choose to be

I choose silence over a pointless conversation
I choose silence in the face of a potential confrontation
I choose silence because words in anger may come back to haunt me
I choose silence instead of a verbal assassination
I choose silence for a chance to grow

So when you see me silent and sullen, do not worry
Do not offer me pity
When I walk around with my hand in my pocket or with ear plugs in my ear
Do not ask if I'm alright
I am that way because I choose to be

I choose silence because it completes me
It enables me
I choose silence because it opens my creativity
It strengthens me
I choose silence because it protects me

Heart's A Mess 2

I posted a song that I wanted to comment on but I felt I needed to let the lyrics stand by themselves as any addition would be a contamination.

As I'm typing here this song Hearts A Mess is being repeated for the 6th or 7th time on my phone. I saw the video for Heart's A Mess few nights ago as I was looking up the Singer/Songwriter/Musician Gotye (whose known song Somebody That I Used To Know has close to 260 million views) and immediately connected with the song. The words rang true for the most part and speak to us the "good guys", the ones wanting to rescue the "damsel in distress" and often ends up being just a good friend or...last resort.

The words speak for themselves, so no need for explanation. The musical arrangement, the slow and haunting mood that it elucidate with its melancholic minor whistling rift got me hooked. I would prefer to listen to this song than to do anything else. Its like an addictive drug....

This song is probably why Gotye was compared to Peter Gabriel, whose song I Grieve, had a similar effect on me as Heart's A Mess. Both mournful but very different in circumstances.

For those who care, I urge you to look up Gotye and listen to his music, it may ease your troubled mind...even if its for a little while.

Heart's A Mess - Gotye

Pick apart 
The pieces of your heart 
And let me peer inside 
Let me in 
Where only your thoughts have been 
Let me occupy your mind 
As you do mine
 
You have lost 
Too much love 
To fear, doubt and distrust 
(It's not enough) 
You just threw away the key 
To your heart
 
You don't get burned 
('Cause nothing gets through) 
It makes it easier 
(Easier on you) 
But that much more difficult for me 
To make you see...
 
Love ain't fair 
So there you are 
My love
 
Your heart's a mess 
You won't admit to it 
It makes no sense 
But I'm desperate to connect 
And you, you can't live like this
 
Your heart's a mess 
You won't admit to it 
It makes no sense 
But I'm desperate to connect 
And you, you can't live like this
 
Your heart's a mess  
You won't admit to it 
It makes no sense 
But I'm desperate to connect 
And you, you can't live like this  

Love ain't safe 
You won't get hurt if you stay chaste 
So you can wait 
But I don't wanna waste my love

It is somewhere in the back of my mind...

I entered and no one took notice
I screamed and no one heard
I walked and there were no footprints
I live and no one cares
I'll die and there will be no tears

No matter what...

I look into your room every morning when I wake up and you are not there
You usually navigate yourself to ours with your eyes closed
You asked for your mother, most times objecting if I try to hold you
But I understand, I love you no matter what, it must be a bonding thing
Between you and your mother I guess...

Usually when you are awake you would cling on to me
You get angry if I try to put you down so I can prepare to go to work
Your mother seems helpless, she knows its painful for us both
But I have to do what I have to do...

I put you down and put on the television, I tell you to watch...
After I'm finished with my preparations I'm ready to leave, I kiss you goodbye...
Sometimes you ignore me, sometimes you beg me to take you to work
I keep promising to take you...one day....
You say "bye daddy" in your sweet angelic voice and wave me goodbye...

Then I'm gone...you don't see me for more than twelve hours...

I do what I have to do then I return home...

Sometimes you are asleep...
Sometimes you are awake...and angry with me
I can not hold you...but I understand, I love you no matter what

I look into your room every morning, I kiss your feet...
Sometimes I feel you deserve a better father than me...so I kiss your feet
Its my unspoken way of saying I'm sorry for not being there...
For "abandoning" you...
I hope you understand and love me...no matter what... 

Jumper

I've come to the cliff once more
I've been there before, I've looked over
I've jumped and fell, I believed I could fly
I was invincible, I was the master of my destiny
I was everything I've ever wanted to be, I made it
I stretched forth my hands like Superman
Expecting any given moment I would rise like the Phoenix
And soar upwards like the great eagle
I failed to stop my rapid descent into darkness
I fell and fell further and clutched at clouds on the way down
There were no voices of encouragement to will me upwards
There were no cries of concern for a fallen friend
There were no mournful tributes for a partner in crime
There was only one thing....silence
The further I fell, the weaker I became
How quickly hope vanishes when you are alone in the dark
As I touched down with shattered dreams and faded hope
I crawled into my shell soundly trashed by my journey downwards

Beaten and bruised, broken and bounded, I was defenseless
This was not hell but it sure felt like I was at its entrance
Somehow, it is not clear how, but some how I clawed my way up the cliff
I scraped, dug and tore at its deceitful face, I clenched my teeth and push upwards
Slowly I reached the plateau where I first started and have basically come full circle
I'm at the top once more...
Looking over, feeling the need to fly, feeling the need to once more be set free
Feeling trapped and confined by plane I'm on...